Sticky Situation

    “I’ll pick you up in my newly dented car tomorrow at eleven,” I said to Alicia and hung up the phone. I stared out the window, taking in that suburban atmosphere of white picket fences and lush hedge mazes. There aren’t too many starry nights like this anymore, at least none as perfect as this.

    However, it seemed my brother, Doug, could care less about the beauty of nature. Instead he took these moments to tap my drumstick over his knee. He was listening to my favorite band “Of Mice and Men” blasting from his headset. Copycat.

    I earned that drumstick fair and square at the band’s most recent concert by launching myself at a mountain-sized man and wrestling him to the death for it. Doug could never understand its importance, and I snatched it back and placed it on its rightful stand.

    “Come on Jared,” Doug complained. “You know how much this band means to me!”

    Yes, how could he live without a band he’d discovered only a month ago?

    Before I could protest, he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a piece of gum and slipped it into his mouth with a smirk. He chewed with his mouth open like a cow grinding its cud. What a disgusting sound, the snapping, sucking of that pink goo.

    I finally cave in and shoo him out of my room, drumstick in hand. Doug can get away with anything if he reaches into his holster and draws a stick of gum.

    Chewing gum is such a pedestrian activity. Many people go through life, putting on airs, but that all comes to a screeching halt when gum’s added to the equation. Am I the only human alive who notices how stupid it makes people look? Humans revert back into their animalistic roots when chewing gum. Blowing bubbles, wrapping it around a finger, or snapping it makes it a most unattractive activity. Personally, I feel there’s a correlation between the popularity of chewing gum and the growing number of high school dropouts.

    Opening my fridge, I retrieved a bottle of fruit punch Gatorade, and my lucky shot glass from my shelf. My grandfather gave me this shot glass but I don’t have many opportunities to use it since I’m not a drinker. However, I notice when I put Gatorade in it, I’m granted extraordinarily good luck. Once before a big exam I poured the drink in it on a whim. The next day, I breezed through the test and got a great grade even though I’d been struggling in the class the whole year.

    Keeping tradition alive, I poured a shot in honor of my one month anniversary with Alicia. I couldn’t afford any screw ups. She was out of my league as it was. I downed it and slammed the glass on the table.

    Looking up, I made eye contact with Christian Bale. Or rather, Doug’s penciled drawing of Christian Bale that he gave me last Christmas. I turned the frame around so it faced the wall. His judging stare gave me the wrong vibe tonight.

    A second later I heard a knock on my window. It was Alicia, perched on a tree branch. She climbed in, giving me a brilliant smile with her perfect teeth.

    “What about tomorrow?” I said.

    “Tomorrow is too long to wait for an insomniac,” she said. “Besides, I’m sure you would enjoy my company more that Christian Bale’s.”

    “So how long have you been out there creeping on me?” I asked.

    “Just long enough,” she said. “I couldn’t wait to tell you-- Tony hired me!”

    Alicia had hoped her cousin Tony would hire her for the makeup department for his new indie film, “Rednecks vs. Werewolves.” She had only been talking about it for weeks on end.

    “Hey, that’s fantastic!” I said, giving her a hug.

    We talked about it for a while. It was such a nice evening, but then she had to be one of them. Midsentence, she slipped cinnamon gum into her mouth, stinking up the air. Even with her mouth closed, I could hear the monotonous sounds of chewing. Over and over again. Alicia went for the grand finale, blowing her gum into a huge balloon. When it popped, so did I.

    “You know exactly how obnoxious that is, right?” I asked her.

    She looked confused.

    “The gum!” I said, gritting my teeth. I turned away from her. “Here, I thought you were different. My god, don’t you know how ugly you look when chewing gum?”

    “Excuse me!?”

    Great. I went too far. “No. I’m sorry. You don’t understand.” I turned back to her. “I once swallowed a stick of gum as a kid. No matter what WebMD says, I still believe it’s stuck to my stomach lining. It’s a gross, disgusting habit with long-term consequences.”

    Alicia opened her mouth. Then closed it. She looked away, shaking her head. She walked to the window, lowering herself out. Just before her head disappeared, she looked into my eyes again.

    “By that logic the watermelon seeds that you’ve swallowed all of your life are almost ripe.” She slipped out of sight and into the beautiful evening.

    When I finally made it over to my window, she was nowhere to be seen. Lonely stars shone in the cold sky.

    How could I have been so stupid?

    Pouring myself another “shot,” I walked over to the wall and turned Christian Bale back around to face me.

    What an unforgiving face.